And when you stood before me
with your hand extended, I remembered the very sound of his voice, and
I looked into your eyes--and that was enough. I knew that something had
happened, but I did not know then what.... But don't be deceived,
Natalia Victorovna. I believed that I had in my breast nothing but an
inexhaustible fund of anger and hate for you both. I remembered that he
had looked to you for the perpetuation of his visionary soul. He, this
man who had robbed me of my hard-working, purposeful existence. I, too,
had my guiding idea; and remember that, amongst us, it is more difficult
to lead a life of toil and self-denial than to go out in the street and
kill from conviction. But enough of that. Hate or no hate, I felt at
once that, while shunning the sight of you, I could never succeed in
driving away your image. I would say, addressing that dead man, 'Is
this the way you are going to haunt me?' It is only later on that I
understood--only to-day, only a few hours ago. What could I have known
of what was tearing me to pieces and dragging the secret for ever to
my lips? You were appointed to undo the evil by making me betray myself
back into truth and peace. You! And you have done it in the same way,
too, in which he ruined me: by forcing upon me your confidence.
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