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Petronius Arbiter, 20-66

"The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter"


While this scene was acting, the inn-keeper came in upon us, with the
other part of our supper; and viewing the obscene posture we were in,
"I beseech you, sirs," said he, "are ye drunk, or have fled justice,
and are acting it on your selves, or both? ho! who was going to make a
gibet of the bed? What private designs are here on foot? What--was
your going out but now with intent to bilke me? But you shall feel
fo't: I'll soon make ye know who rules here."
"What, you rascal," crys Eumolpus, "do you threat too?" And without
more ado flung his fist in his face: The inn-keeper took up an earthen
pitcher we so oft had empty'd, and sending it at Eumolpus, broke his
forehead, and immediately ran down stairs: Eumolpus, impatient of
revenge, snatching up a great wooden candlestick, made after him; and
pouring his blows very thick on the inn-keeper, repair'd the injury
with interest: This alarm'd the whole house, and whilst the rest of
his guess, that by this time were most of 'em drunk; ran to see what
was the matter, taking an opportunity to revenge the injury Eumolpus
had offer'd me, I lock'd him out; and turning thus his trick upon
himself, at once, enjoy'd the bed and board without a rival.
In the mean time, the islanders (that came in at the bustle) and cooks
with all their kitchin artillery set upon Eumolpus: One throws at his
head a hot spit with the meat on't; another with a pitchfork puts
himself in a martial posture against him; but especially a blear-ey'd
old woman, who tucking up the dirty apron she had about her, with one
shoe on, and another off, hall'd a great mastiff and set him at
Eumolpus: But with the wooden candlestick he defended himself against
all his enemies.


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